The Pink Wooden Box with Brown Polka Dots

When Judy Lynn died, it was amazing the love and support that we received from everyone, and the love we got from people we did not even know.  There were people that showed up at my house, bringing food, supplies, cards, flowers, and just about anything you can imagine.  The day that Judy died, there were hundreds of people that came to see us and her at the hospital.  They came and prayed, cried, and just offered support for us.  I can just remember bits and pieces of that day, and since she actually died at my hospital, in my unit, with my friends taking care of her, I have been able to put the pieces together little by little.  My brain is very analytical, and I am detail oriented.  I had to understand everything that happened from the beginning, and I have been blessed with friends that have been able to help fill in the blanks.

At PMH, we have what they call, child-life specialists.  They are there for not only the patients, but especially for the families of children that are in the hospital.  I could go on forever about what they do, but for me, they have been my friends, and many times my therapists.  They helped our family during our most difficult times, and continue to support us.  Several friends at work were having a hard time with Judy's death, and the child life specialists helped them too.  I found out that they had "debriefing" sessions with my coworkers after she died.  I have no idea what they talked about, but I do know that they helped my coworkers deal with her death too.  When a child dies, we make quilt squares.  These pieces of fabric are decorated however you like, with pictures, words, or even embroidery.  We have the opportunity to make something for that child's family expressing what we loved about them.  It is a great expression of love, and gives us a bit of closure.  The child life specialists collected tons of squares made by my coworkers, and then put them together in a quilt form.  Judy's quilt was absolutely beautiful, and I was very grateful to have received it.
They also facilitated letters from my friends at work and collected them to bring to our family.  They came one day and brought them over in this pink wooden box with brown polka dots.  Inside there were many personal letters written to our family offering beautiful words of encouragement, how Judy touched them, and their promise of prayers.  I was unable to read the letters until months and months after Judy died.  I put the cards that we received in the mail, the cards from the flower arrangements, and any cards/letters we got in sympathy.
I started to write my thank you cards just shortly after Judy died, and sent many out.  I sealed up a bunch and never gave them out, and there were many that I never even wrote.  I stuck my big bag of undone tasks in the back of my closet along with many papers that I have not wanted to look at.  I heard that when a loved one dies, you have 6 months to a year to write your thank you cards, and when we reached 6 months, I was in no frame of mind to finish the cards.  As time has passed, I hit the year mark, and then I felt ultimate failure that there were so many thank you cards I never sent out.
Today, I opened that bag in my closet and started to go through it.  I have decided that I am going to try my best to finish those thank you's.  I know I will never send every card that needed to be sent, and I know that I will miss someone that should have gotten a card, but I am going to try again.

Still not ready to read those sympathy letters and cards inside the box, but maybe one day later.  But for now, they will have to stay in that little pink wooden box with brown polka dots.

The Human Lie Detector

Since my honey bunny is on the shift he is on, we are able to have occasional breakfast/lunch dates.  I always enjoy the time alone together just to talk and share each other's company.  Having opposite schedules has made it hard for us the past few months, but we are doing what we have to, to make it work for our family.
Of course, on days like today, Wonderboy is at school during our date.  We have Spiderman with us, but he doesn't pay much attention to our conversations, and it still feels like a date even with him sitting in the highchair at the end of the table.
So today we started talking, and I love to hear my honey bunny tell his stories.  He really is one of the smartest men I know.  He is so good at his job, and I love hearing his tales.  We started discussing people in our lives, and things people say.  My hubby starts telling me particulars about certain people and how he can tell when they are lying.  I had no idea that he possessed this skill.  I sat there listening just in awe of his talent.  I really never realized that I had been sitting across from the "human lie detector."  My hubby is a people watcher, and he picks up things when you wouldn't even know he was paying attention.  I sat there like a little kid in a candy store, asking, "and then, and then, and what does SHE do?, and what does HE do?"  He would give me details, and I would think, "really?, oh yeah you are right, he DOES do that."  Anyhow, I left our little breakfast date today loving him just a little bit more.  It is nice to see that sometimes the one that loves you is looking out for you even when you thought they weren't always paying attention to every detail.

Little "Big" Man on Campus

Really? A year? Already? Our precious Spiderman surprised us with his quick debut when I was pregnant.  We had a less than wonderful 9 months during pregnancy, and then a pretty dramatic delivery.  Spiderman has grown like a weed.  My little red-headed box of sunshine!  A red-headed child, geez, and not at all the quiet personality of his sweet father, he is a FIRECRACKER!  He smiles only when he wants to.  But if you can get him laughing, oh watch out, his giggle box and funny faces are never ending.  He knows what he wants in life, and he studies people.  He stares and takes EVERYTHING in.  Sometimes he just looks and looks, I find myself just wondering what is going on in that cute little head of his.  He is just like his big brother, he wants to please you.  He is growing up all so quickly.  I know he knows that around our house, yeah, he's the little, "big" man on campus.

Her Birthday

The end of March going into April is a very busy time in our household.  It seems that I got pregnant at around the same time of year with each child.  Which in turn, made all three of them due at the same time.  So in our household all of the kid's birthdays, and honey bunny's birthday fall within a two and a half week span.  This can be a hectic time of year for us.  Since Judy's passing, it has been extra hectic, and very stressful.  Last year was our first year we had her birthday when she was not here.  I anticipated the day almost from the moment she was gone.  After you loose a child, not only do you have to get through the day to day things, but it is always in the back of your head about the dates that are coming up.  In 2010, Judy's birthday fell on Easter of all days.  I was thinking, "really God, Easter AND her birthday all in one day?, Can I not catch a break?"  So we came up with a plan that we would have a birthday cake for her every year and do something special that day to remember her.  I however, could just as easily stay in bed crying on those days of the year.  I just did not want to do that.  We made an active choice to find something good out of the worst days.  Last year before church, the egg hunts, and family time, we went out to the cemetery and changed her flowers and let go of some balloons after saying some sweet words about her.  We went to church afterward, and then the day went on just like a regular Easter Sunday.  It went as well as could be expected, so we decided we may continue the tradition.

This year, after planting our butterfly garden, we had the thought of letting go butterflies at her gravesite the day of her birthday.  So we ordered about 20 for the day.  Now, understand that the days leading up to her birthday, I had a bunch of stuff going on, with the other birthdays, work, school, and just life.  I have a hard time thinking clearly when it comes to dealing with this stuff, and I just function in "auto pilot" mode.  The day came and we had the worst weather that morning.  Of course it was one of the most windy days and completely yucky outside.  All I could do was pray the wind would let up before the afternoon.  Later that afternoon, we went out to her site, changed the flowers and cleaned her stone.  We let the butterflies out of the box and watched them fly all over.  It was as nice as it could be.  Moments like that are awful, but can be healing at the same time.  They make me want to stand there and cry so hard missing her, but I am doing these things to try and find something good out of a day that is so bad.
It would be so easy for me to go and buy her presents at the store, pretending she was still here with us while I shopped.  I could imagine what she would say when she would open her presents.  The times that I have those thoughts of doing things that would be "insane" come and go.  Sometimes just thinking about the situation makes me feel like I am in a dream.  There are times where it really doesn't even compute that we have lost a daughter.  I have found myself looking at pictures of her, and thinking, "did that REALLY happen? Did we really used to have a daughter here?  Did I actually have to say goodbye to my child?  Is she really not coming back?  Am I really going to have to wait until heaven to see her again?"  It is so hard to explain the thoughts and feelings that I go through.  People tell me that I am so strong, and they wish they could be like me.  I think, "wow, if they only knew what I am going through inside they would not want to be like me."

As time has passed, it feels like it has been forever, and then it feels like it was just yesterday.  I wish I could say that everyone in my life still tries to understand, and allows for my moments of "insanity".  For those of you who do, thank you for understanding, that I can't always function at 100%.  For those of you who are more self-centered, well, I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with you.  Don't take it personally when I can't seem to get everything straight.  I am trying my best in a situation that doesn't make any sense.  And maybe you think it has been long enough, and I should not be making "excuses". Oh my goodness, what I wouldn't give to be in a different situation where there were no excuses!  Just know that it still IS for me, yeah that's right, almost two years later, IT STILL IS.
We managed to get though another birthday, she would have been five this year.  5 has always been my favorite number.  I really enjoyed it when Wonderboy was five.  I like that age.  I would love to hear her talk now, reason, make thoughts, and just BE.  I can only imagine what she would be saying and doing now.  Five years old, my little Judy Lynn.  I miss you sweet girl.  Happy Happy Birthday.

Fast Track to NOWHERE!

A little disclaimer first:  Ok, so I know that not ALL fast track nursing students are like this, but here goes...........

The big mammoth, or so I have named him in my head, is going to be done following me at work by the end of my shift tomorrow.  Let me tell you why I call him the mammoth.  You know how in all the science fiction movies and history documentaries, they show mammoths from time to time?  I have always pictured them as these large, slow moving, low i.q., burly, and just blah....animals.  12 shifts ago, I was assigned an 8th semester nursing student from UTEP.  I normally LOVE having students, and was excited to be precepting for the first time since I have been in PICU.  I knew from the first phone call from the mammoth that this was going to be a LONG rotation.
So there is this new "fast track" program where you can get your nursing degree in about a year if you have a degree in another field.  This program is designed to graduate more nurses, and to get college graduates that their degree did not turn out, to have a chance to go into nursing.  However, most people that go through the fast track, just don't realize that you need to REALLY WANT to be a nurse through and through to do it.  It is kind of like being a teacher, you have to WANT and LOVE to teach to be successful and a good teacher.  Nursing is not all glitz and glamour, and you should NOT do it just for the money.  Trust me, we don't get paid enough for what I do.  It takes everything out of me to work in the PICU 100% of the time.
So back to the mammoth.  You know when you can just tell that someone is lazy over the phone by the tone of their voice?  I know we shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but we all make first impressions, and trust me, I was not looking forward to even the first meeting.  I tried several times to give the mammoth the benefit of the doubt, but I feel like I was just using way too much energy trying to make him want to care.  The mammoth was a "no show" the first day, and has been late just about everyday since.  He constantly sighs, grunts, and has the attitude like, "yeah I know all this, and you have nothing to teach me."
I love teaching, but I can't teach you to be self-motivated, and I can't teach you how to be a good learner.  On one hand, I feel like I should have been tougher on him, he may be my nurse one day.  But people like the mammoth know the short cuts, and know how to be lazy and make it work.  You know that person, that tries so hard looking busy doing actually NOTHING?  You think to yourself, if they would only spend half their energy doing something, that they spend trying to make it look like they are busy, they would get everything accomplished?

The mammoth is slow, unmotivated, always has a blank look on his face, and basically portrays that he is just annoyed with having to actually even be there.  I have even made comments that he needs to act like he wants to be here, and not like he is in detention.  I have long given up trying to waste any of my time and energy on him, and have just been counting down the final days I am stuck with him.  To my surprise, I actually found out that he has interest in working in our PICU.  Really?  Come on?  Seriously?  I think NOT.  Some people just don't get it.  Like a big, slow moving, blah, mammoth.

So he is on a fast track to nowhere.  And here's hoping not on the other side of my hospital bed or yours.

You Can't Trick the Tricker!

So April 1st  has been a fun holiday for me for a long time.  One of my first memories as a child, was of a particular April Fools Day.  My dear ole daddy, "heeeey boy" woke me and my sweet older sis, Loly, up early.  He said, "girls get up quick! The circus has come to town! And they left a pony in the front yard!"  So of course Loly and I jumped out of bed just as quick as we could and ran to the living room to look out onto the front yard to see the sight.  And wouldn't you guess, the circus did NOT come, there was no pony, and my daddy laughed so hard saying loudly, "April FOOLS!"  Uh uh, not funny daddy.  So since then it has been a mission of mine to be the best "tricker" in our household.
The morning of April Fools, I had to trick the Wonderboy.  Not a big trick.  Just big enough that he would be on guard the rest of the day, and not be fooled by anyone else.  I told him, "get up, and get dressed, the school called and the fourth grade is going to Western Playland today because everyone did so good on the tasks test.  Wonderboy said, "really?"  I was quick to say, uh no, April Fools!

Being a good tricker means you have to be ready to pull the quick tricks whenever you can.  Wonderboy's teacher had called and said that he had not been getting his agenda book signed, and we would talk more about it at parent/teacher conferences.  So when Wonderboy got home, I had the perfect opportunity to trick him.
The phone rang and it said on the caller i.d....School.  It was one of those voice recordings that they do each week, reminding parents of various things going on.  So during the recording, I pretended that I was talking to someone and went on saying, "WHAT? Uh no, he did NOT tell me that!  Really?  He's gonna what?  Oh ok. Thank you.  I will speak with him RIGHT away!"  Wonderboy stood there with his eyes as wide as could be. I got off the phone and asked, "well, is there something you wanted to tell me?"
He looked around as if to think of what he was in trouble for, what they could have possibly have told me, and how was he going to tell me.  After a few moments, "uh, well, I got a belt violation (for not wearing his belt) and I am going to In School Suspension now?  I let him go on and on for a little while talking about little things they may have called me on.  I said, "is that all?"  "Are you scared?"  He said, "uh huh."  I said, "well you shouldn't be, I am the grand tricker!  No one called, it was the recording about the upcoming events at the school!"  OH MOM!  You got me!.......

Yeah, that's right, you can't trick the tricker!