Her Birthday

The end of March going into April is a very busy time in our household.  It seems that I got pregnant at around the same time of year with each child.  Which in turn, made all three of them due at the same time.  So in our household all of the kid's birthdays, and honey bunny's birthday fall within a two and a half week span.  This can be a hectic time of year for us.  Since Judy's passing, it has been extra hectic, and very stressful.  Last year was our first year we had her birthday when she was not here.  I anticipated the day almost from the moment she was gone.  After you loose a child, not only do you have to get through the day to day things, but it is always in the back of your head about the dates that are coming up.  In 2010, Judy's birthday fell on Easter of all days.  I was thinking, "really God, Easter AND her birthday all in one day?, Can I not catch a break?"  So we came up with a plan that we would have a birthday cake for her every year and do something special that day to remember her.  I however, could just as easily stay in bed crying on those days of the year.  I just did not want to do that.  We made an active choice to find something good out of the worst days.  Last year before church, the egg hunts, and family time, we went out to the cemetery and changed her flowers and let go of some balloons after saying some sweet words about her.  We went to church afterward, and then the day went on just like a regular Easter Sunday.  It went as well as could be expected, so we decided we may continue the tradition.

This year, after planting our butterfly garden, we had the thought of letting go butterflies at her gravesite the day of her birthday.  So we ordered about 20 for the day.  Now, understand that the days leading up to her birthday, I had a bunch of stuff going on, with the other birthdays, work, school, and just life.  I have a hard time thinking clearly when it comes to dealing with this stuff, and I just function in "auto pilot" mode.  The day came and we had the worst weather that morning.  Of course it was one of the most windy days and completely yucky outside.  All I could do was pray the wind would let up before the afternoon.  Later that afternoon, we went out to her site, changed the flowers and cleaned her stone.  We let the butterflies out of the box and watched them fly all over.  It was as nice as it could be.  Moments like that are awful, but can be healing at the same time.  They make me want to stand there and cry so hard missing her, but I am doing these things to try and find something good out of a day that is so bad.
It would be so easy for me to go and buy her presents at the store, pretending she was still here with us while I shopped.  I could imagine what she would say when she would open her presents.  The times that I have those thoughts of doing things that would be "insane" come and go.  Sometimes just thinking about the situation makes me feel like I am in a dream.  There are times where it really doesn't even compute that we have lost a daughter.  I have found myself looking at pictures of her, and thinking, "did that REALLY happen? Did we really used to have a daughter here?  Did I actually have to say goodbye to my child?  Is she really not coming back?  Am I really going to have to wait until heaven to see her again?"  It is so hard to explain the thoughts and feelings that I go through.  People tell me that I am so strong, and they wish they could be like me.  I think, "wow, if they only knew what I am going through inside they would not want to be like me."

As time has passed, it feels like it has been forever, and then it feels like it was just yesterday.  I wish I could say that everyone in my life still tries to understand, and allows for my moments of "insanity".  For those of you who do, thank you for understanding, that I can't always function at 100%.  For those of you who are more self-centered, well, I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with you.  Don't take it personally when I can't seem to get everything straight.  I am trying my best in a situation that doesn't make any sense.  And maybe you think it has been long enough, and I should not be making "excuses". Oh my goodness, what I wouldn't give to be in a different situation where there were no excuses!  Just know that it still IS for me, yeah that's right, almost two years later, IT STILL IS.
We managed to get though another birthday, she would have been five this year.  5 has always been my favorite number.  I really enjoyed it when Wonderboy was five.  I like that age.  I would love to hear her talk now, reason, make thoughts, and just BE.  I can only imagine what she would be saying and doing now.  Five years old, my little Judy Lynn.  I miss you sweet girl.  Happy Happy Birthday.