The Pink Wooden Box with Brown Polka Dots

When Judy Lynn died, it was amazing the love and support that we received from everyone, and the love we got from people we did not even know.  There were people that showed up at my house, bringing food, supplies, cards, flowers, and just about anything you can imagine.  The day that Judy died, there were hundreds of people that came to see us and her at the hospital.  They came and prayed, cried, and just offered support for us.  I can just remember bits and pieces of that day, and since she actually died at my hospital, in my unit, with my friends taking care of her, I have been able to put the pieces together little by little.  My brain is very analytical, and I am detail oriented.  I had to understand everything that happened from the beginning, and I have been blessed with friends that have been able to help fill in the blanks.

At PMH, we have what they call, child-life specialists.  They are there for not only the patients, but especially for the families of children that are in the hospital.  I could go on forever about what they do, but for me, they have been my friends, and many times my therapists.  They helped our family during our most difficult times, and continue to support us.  Several friends at work were having a hard time with Judy's death, and the child life specialists helped them too.  I found out that they had "debriefing" sessions with my coworkers after she died.  I have no idea what they talked about, but I do know that they helped my coworkers deal with her death too.  When a child dies, we make quilt squares.  These pieces of fabric are decorated however you like, with pictures, words, or even embroidery.  We have the opportunity to make something for that child's family expressing what we loved about them.  It is a great expression of love, and gives us a bit of closure.  The child life specialists collected tons of squares made by my coworkers, and then put them together in a quilt form.  Judy's quilt was absolutely beautiful, and I was very grateful to have received it.
They also facilitated letters from my friends at work and collected them to bring to our family.  They came one day and brought them over in this pink wooden box with brown polka dots.  Inside there were many personal letters written to our family offering beautiful words of encouragement, how Judy touched them, and their promise of prayers.  I was unable to read the letters until months and months after Judy died.  I put the cards that we received in the mail, the cards from the flower arrangements, and any cards/letters we got in sympathy.
I started to write my thank you cards just shortly after Judy died, and sent many out.  I sealed up a bunch and never gave them out, and there were many that I never even wrote.  I stuck my big bag of undone tasks in the back of my closet along with many papers that I have not wanted to look at.  I heard that when a loved one dies, you have 6 months to a year to write your thank you cards, and when we reached 6 months, I was in no frame of mind to finish the cards.  As time has passed, I hit the year mark, and then I felt ultimate failure that there were so many thank you cards I never sent out.
Today, I opened that bag in my closet and started to go through it.  I have decided that I am going to try my best to finish those thank you's.  I know I will never send every card that needed to be sent, and I know that I will miss someone that should have gotten a card, but I am going to try again.

Still not ready to read those sympathy letters and cards inside the box, but maybe one day later.  But for now, they will have to stay in that little pink wooden box with brown polka dots.

The Human Lie Detector

Since my honey bunny is on the shift he is on, we are able to have occasional breakfast/lunch dates.  I always enjoy the time alone together just to talk and share each other's company.  Having opposite schedules has made it hard for us the past few months, but we are doing what we have to, to make it work for our family.
Of course, on days like today, Wonderboy is at school during our date.  We have Spiderman with us, but he doesn't pay much attention to our conversations, and it still feels like a date even with him sitting in the highchair at the end of the table.
So today we started talking, and I love to hear my honey bunny tell his stories.  He really is one of the smartest men I know.  He is so good at his job, and I love hearing his tales.  We started discussing people in our lives, and things people say.  My hubby starts telling me particulars about certain people and how he can tell when they are lying.  I had no idea that he possessed this skill.  I sat there listening just in awe of his talent.  I really never realized that I had been sitting across from the "human lie detector."  My hubby is a people watcher, and he picks up things when you wouldn't even know he was paying attention.  I sat there like a little kid in a candy store, asking, "and then, and then, and what does SHE do?, and what does HE do?"  He would give me details, and I would think, "really?, oh yeah you are right, he DOES do that."  Anyhow, I left our little breakfast date today loving him just a little bit more.  It is nice to see that sometimes the one that loves you is looking out for you even when you thought they weren't always paying attention to every detail.

Little "Big" Man on Campus

Really? A year? Already? Our precious Spiderman surprised us with his quick debut when I was pregnant.  We had a less than wonderful 9 months during pregnancy, and then a pretty dramatic delivery.  Spiderman has grown like a weed.  My little red-headed box of sunshine!  A red-headed child, geez, and not at all the quiet personality of his sweet father, he is a FIRECRACKER!  He smiles only when he wants to.  But if you can get him laughing, oh watch out, his giggle box and funny faces are never ending.  He knows what he wants in life, and he studies people.  He stares and takes EVERYTHING in.  Sometimes he just looks and looks, I find myself just wondering what is going on in that cute little head of his.  He is just like his big brother, he wants to please you.  He is growing up all so quickly.  I know he knows that around our house, yeah, he's the little, "big" man on campus.

Her Birthday

The end of March going into April is a very busy time in our household.  It seems that I got pregnant at around the same time of year with each child.  Which in turn, made all three of them due at the same time.  So in our household all of the kid's birthdays, and honey bunny's birthday fall within a two and a half week span.  This can be a hectic time of year for us.  Since Judy's passing, it has been extra hectic, and very stressful.  Last year was our first year we had her birthday when she was not here.  I anticipated the day almost from the moment she was gone.  After you loose a child, not only do you have to get through the day to day things, but it is always in the back of your head about the dates that are coming up.  In 2010, Judy's birthday fell on Easter of all days.  I was thinking, "really God, Easter AND her birthday all in one day?, Can I not catch a break?"  So we came up with a plan that we would have a birthday cake for her every year and do something special that day to remember her.  I however, could just as easily stay in bed crying on those days of the year.  I just did not want to do that.  We made an active choice to find something good out of the worst days.  Last year before church, the egg hunts, and family time, we went out to the cemetery and changed her flowers and let go of some balloons after saying some sweet words about her.  We went to church afterward, and then the day went on just like a regular Easter Sunday.  It went as well as could be expected, so we decided we may continue the tradition.

This year, after planting our butterfly garden, we had the thought of letting go butterflies at her gravesite the day of her birthday.  So we ordered about 20 for the day.  Now, understand that the days leading up to her birthday, I had a bunch of stuff going on, with the other birthdays, work, school, and just life.  I have a hard time thinking clearly when it comes to dealing with this stuff, and I just function in "auto pilot" mode.  The day came and we had the worst weather that morning.  Of course it was one of the most windy days and completely yucky outside.  All I could do was pray the wind would let up before the afternoon.  Later that afternoon, we went out to her site, changed the flowers and cleaned her stone.  We let the butterflies out of the box and watched them fly all over.  It was as nice as it could be.  Moments like that are awful, but can be healing at the same time.  They make me want to stand there and cry so hard missing her, but I am doing these things to try and find something good out of a day that is so bad.
It would be so easy for me to go and buy her presents at the store, pretending she was still here with us while I shopped.  I could imagine what she would say when she would open her presents.  The times that I have those thoughts of doing things that would be "insane" come and go.  Sometimes just thinking about the situation makes me feel like I am in a dream.  There are times where it really doesn't even compute that we have lost a daughter.  I have found myself looking at pictures of her, and thinking, "did that REALLY happen? Did we really used to have a daughter here?  Did I actually have to say goodbye to my child?  Is she really not coming back?  Am I really going to have to wait until heaven to see her again?"  It is so hard to explain the thoughts and feelings that I go through.  People tell me that I am so strong, and they wish they could be like me.  I think, "wow, if they only knew what I am going through inside they would not want to be like me."

As time has passed, it feels like it has been forever, and then it feels like it was just yesterday.  I wish I could say that everyone in my life still tries to understand, and allows for my moments of "insanity".  For those of you who do, thank you for understanding, that I can't always function at 100%.  For those of you who are more self-centered, well, I guess I will just have to learn how to deal with you.  Don't take it personally when I can't seem to get everything straight.  I am trying my best in a situation that doesn't make any sense.  And maybe you think it has been long enough, and I should not be making "excuses". Oh my goodness, what I wouldn't give to be in a different situation where there were no excuses!  Just know that it still IS for me, yeah that's right, almost two years later, IT STILL IS.
We managed to get though another birthday, she would have been five this year.  5 has always been my favorite number.  I really enjoyed it when Wonderboy was five.  I like that age.  I would love to hear her talk now, reason, make thoughts, and just BE.  I can only imagine what she would be saying and doing now.  Five years old, my little Judy Lynn.  I miss you sweet girl.  Happy Happy Birthday.

Fast Track to NOWHERE!

A little disclaimer first:  Ok, so I know that not ALL fast track nursing students are like this, but here goes...........

The big mammoth, or so I have named him in my head, is going to be done following me at work by the end of my shift tomorrow.  Let me tell you why I call him the mammoth.  You know how in all the science fiction movies and history documentaries, they show mammoths from time to time?  I have always pictured them as these large, slow moving, low i.q., burly, and just blah....animals.  12 shifts ago, I was assigned an 8th semester nursing student from UTEP.  I normally LOVE having students, and was excited to be precepting for the first time since I have been in PICU.  I knew from the first phone call from the mammoth that this was going to be a LONG rotation.
So there is this new "fast track" program where you can get your nursing degree in about a year if you have a degree in another field.  This program is designed to graduate more nurses, and to get college graduates that their degree did not turn out, to have a chance to go into nursing.  However, most people that go through the fast track, just don't realize that you need to REALLY WANT to be a nurse through and through to do it.  It is kind of like being a teacher, you have to WANT and LOVE to teach to be successful and a good teacher.  Nursing is not all glitz and glamour, and you should NOT do it just for the money.  Trust me, we don't get paid enough for what I do.  It takes everything out of me to work in the PICU 100% of the time.
So back to the mammoth.  You know when you can just tell that someone is lazy over the phone by the tone of their voice?  I know we shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but we all make first impressions, and trust me, I was not looking forward to even the first meeting.  I tried several times to give the mammoth the benefit of the doubt, but I feel like I was just using way too much energy trying to make him want to care.  The mammoth was a "no show" the first day, and has been late just about everyday since.  He constantly sighs, grunts, and has the attitude like, "yeah I know all this, and you have nothing to teach me."
I love teaching, but I can't teach you to be self-motivated, and I can't teach you how to be a good learner.  On one hand, I feel like I should have been tougher on him, he may be my nurse one day.  But people like the mammoth know the short cuts, and know how to be lazy and make it work.  You know that person, that tries so hard looking busy doing actually NOTHING?  You think to yourself, if they would only spend half their energy doing something, that they spend trying to make it look like they are busy, they would get everything accomplished?

The mammoth is slow, unmotivated, always has a blank look on his face, and basically portrays that he is just annoyed with having to actually even be there.  I have even made comments that he needs to act like he wants to be here, and not like he is in detention.  I have long given up trying to waste any of my time and energy on him, and have just been counting down the final days I am stuck with him.  To my surprise, I actually found out that he has interest in working in our PICU.  Really?  Come on?  Seriously?  I think NOT.  Some people just don't get it.  Like a big, slow moving, blah, mammoth.

So he is on a fast track to nowhere.  And here's hoping not on the other side of my hospital bed or yours.

You Can't Trick the Tricker!

So April 1st  has been a fun holiday for me for a long time.  One of my first memories as a child, was of a particular April Fools Day.  My dear ole daddy, "heeeey boy" woke me and my sweet older sis, Loly, up early.  He said, "girls get up quick! The circus has come to town! And they left a pony in the front yard!"  So of course Loly and I jumped out of bed just as quick as we could and ran to the living room to look out onto the front yard to see the sight.  And wouldn't you guess, the circus did NOT come, there was no pony, and my daddy laughed so hard saying loudly, "April FOOLS!"  Uh uh, not funny daddy.  So since then it has been a mission of mine to be the best "tricker" in our household.
The morning of April Fools, I had to trick the Wonderboy.  Not a big trick.  Just big enough that he would be on guard the rest of the day, and not be fooled by anyone else.  I told him, "get up, and get dressed, the school called and the fourth grade is going to Western Playland today because everyone did so good on the tasks test.  Wonderboy said, "really?"  I was quick to say, uh no, April Fools!

Being a good tricker means you have to be ready to pull the quick tricks whenever you can.  Wonderboy's teacher had called and said that he had not been getting his agenda book signed, and we would talk more about it at parent/teacher conferences.  So when Wonderboy got home, I had the perfect opportunity to trick him.
The phone rang and it said on the caller i.d....School.  It was one of those voice recordings that they do each week, reminding parents of various things going on.  So during the recording, I pretended that I was talking to someone and went on saying, "WHAT? Uh no, he did NOT tell me that!  Really?  He's gonna what?  Oh ok. Thank you.  I will speak with him RIGHT away!"  Wonderboy stood there with his eyes as wide as could be. I got off the phone and asked, "well, is there something you wanted to tell me?"
He looked around as if to think of what he was in trouble for, what they could have possibly have told me, and how was he going to tell me.  After a few moments, "uh, well, I got a belt violation (for not wearing his belt) and I am going to In School Suspension now?  I let him go on and on for a little while talking about little things they may have called me on.  I said, "is that all?"  "Are you scared?"  He said, "uh huh."  I said, "well you shouldn't be, I am the grand tricker!  No one called, it was the recording about the upcoming events at the school!"  OH MOM!  You got me!.......

Yeah, that's right, you can't trick the tricker!

The Computer Beast

Paul's CERNER drawing

So yesterday was our first day of computer charting at the hospital.  We have been told that this new type of charting is going to make our lives easier, and we will be joining other health care professionals in the 21st century.  I however, am old school.  I did NOT want this at all.
When I was in high school, my dear mother, doll lady,  MADE me take typing.  I was not at all happy with the fact that I was going to have to give up one of my electives to take this class.  And besides, why in the world did I need typing? I was not going to be a secretary for a living.  Nevertheless, I enrolled for the class in my  junior year.  We learned on "old school" typewriters.  The kind that ding when you get to the end of the page, and need to stop and move the bar thingy to the next line.  There was no such thing as spell check, grammar check, or backspace that erased your last letter.  You had to use your little bottle of liquid paper, and place it over your mistake, then wait and blow on it until it dried.  It was rather annoying, but I have to say, we learned to be precise typists and make little errors.
My senior year I went on to take Word Processing.  It was my computer literacy course.  You see, back in those days, not everyone owned a computer, and computer literacy courses were out there to make sure high school graduates were getting some type of computer exposure.  My word processing class was on a computer that was a black screen with a little flashing green light.  We learned things like "open apple C and closed apple U."  These type of things like pressing the open apple key and the U key would underline the text.  There were hundreds of commands that had to be memorized in order to be able to use the system.  It took the entire year, two semesters, to learn the system.
Two months ago, we got trained for two days on this new computer system for work.  I know I am not the oldest that was in the class, but I sure do feel very computer stupid compared to my other co-workers, who could not imagine having the computer background I have.  The intranet was not even around when I was in high school, or at least we never had access to it.  Floppy disks really WERE floppy.  So sitting in the training, I sat there trying to keep up, and feeling like, "holy cow, what in the world am I going to do in two months when this system goes LIVE?"  We finished the class after two days, and all I could think was, "they did not teach us enough!"  So, I have had a little count down going on in my head since February dreading the days until we changed to the computer system.  I specifically asked for the first day of launch, to be OFF from work.  Wouldn't you know that not only did they change the date that it would start, but now, not only was I working, I was also in charge!  I thought I was going to cry when I was getting report in the morning.  I hate feeling out of control in situations and feeling like I don't have a clue what is going on.  What is worse, I hate feeling stupid in front of other people, especially doctors.  At least yesterday, I was not the only one feeling that way.  I looked around, and even the most computer savvy of my friends, my precious "BFF the NP", had that "deer in the headlights" look.  I thought, "oh, if BFF the NP is lost, I am going to be REALLY lost."  But it was comforting that I was not the only one feeling like the bottom had just dropped out beneath us.
So there I was, starring at it, THE COMPUTER BEAST!  And yes, a beast it is!  I didn't even like the way the cart it was sitting on looked.  It seemed to be laughing at me as I was trying to figure out how to manuvuer my way around the system.  User friendly it was none the such.  Of course the person who designed the system could NOT have been a nurse.  They made it far too difficult.  Click here, but you have to right click here, and this tab doesn't do what you think it should, and things are hidden, and the help tab is just a joke!  I did my best, managed to keep from crying several times durning the day, and finished thinking, "oh I hope I didn't miss anything."  The important thing was, all my patients were taken care of, safe and sound, all alive, and there for the next shift.
My nemesis the BEAST will be there next time I know.  And I guess I will have to give him the points for winning the first battle.  But as my hubby would say in the funniest creole voice, "you live to fight another day."

Big Yellow Butterflies

So Judy Lynn used to love love love butterflies.  Honey Bunny used to give her a hard time when she would admire them and ladybugs, and would tell her, "that's a bug."  She HATED bugs and was NOT happy with daddy when he would call her precious ladybug or butterfly a bug.  She would quickly tell him, "that's not a BUG daddy."  We would laugh and play back and forth with her.  After she passed away, it was very important to us to make sure they put a butterfly on her headstone, along with a cross, a dove, and a flower design.  The butterfly story had just begun as we would come to find out.  On the day of the funeral, we were in a completely different place.  I am only able to remember bits and pieces of the funeral, and for parts of it, I almost feel like I was on auto pilot.  It was a hot and sunny day and we sat under a tarp they had placed to shade us.  Our friends and family had turned out to the cemetery in huge numbers and even released pink balloons into the air at the end, which we had no idea they were planning on doing.  A couple of months after the funeral, I started to hear "butterfly stories."
My good friend the "red-headed sister" said the day of the funeral, there was a huge yellow butterfly with black on it that sat on the top of the tarp we were sitting under during the entire service.  She said at the end, the butterfly flew off as it had finished its participation in the event.  When she arrived to her car to leave, she was feeling terrible and very sad.  The huge yellow butterfly was sitting on the top of her SUV upon her arrival, and flew off happily after she left.
The yellow butterfly returned months later when she was getting ready for her daughter's first birthday party.  She had told me she tried desperately to take pictures of it before it flew off, but was unable to capture a picture.  Her home is miles and miles away from the cemetery.
When we had decided that we were going to convert Judy's room, into Spiderman's room, we pondered what we would do with all her stuff.  Many of her items would be given to friends and family members, and we planned to keep a bunch of things.  Her princess toddler set was far too big and bulky to keep, and we no longer had room or use for it.  The idea to give it to red-headed's daughter seemed like a perfect idea.  Red-headed was thrilled that "big eyes" would be the receipient of Judy's princess furniture.  She came by one afternoon with big eyes, and we cried, we laughed, and we loaded everything into her SUV.  She drove home and big eyes was asleep.  She decided to leave her in the car and unload the furniture.  She had brought the toddler bed to her front door and set it outside.  She went inside bringing in the bench and toy box.  When she went back outside, a HUGE yellow butterfly, just like the one she had seen before was sitting on top of the toddler bed.  She stood there and smiled and cried thinking of Judy.
My cousin, "sweetest nail lady" has two precious girls, one only a year apart from Judy, and a few months after Judy had died, the girls were in the backyard playing and thinking, and talking about Judy.  Sweetest nail lady had told me that they saw the most beautiful HUGE yellow butterfly outside flying around with the girls.  Little "curly" even commented that the butterfly made her think of Judy.
One day Wonderboy and I went out to the cemetery to replace her flowers.  I was pregnant at the time and it has always been so hard to go out to the cemetery.  Wonderboy said, "look mom!"  A HUGE yellow butterfly was flying around me as I was kneeling down changing the flowers.  Wonderboy went on to tell me that it had landed on my leg first.
The day that we went to Ruidoso to get away, we saw a HUGE yellow butterfly flying around the site on the one year anniversary of her death.  I could go on and on telling the stories of butterfly encounters, and perhaps I will tell more stories in future blogs.
We decided to plant a butterfly garden this year.  Planting the garden has been bitter sweet.  On one hand, it has been fun finding flowers to plant and working together as a family to prepare the space.  On the other hand, it has made us so sad that Judy Lynn has not been here to enjoy the garden and the flowers with us.  She absolutely loved being outside, and flowers would have been the icing on the cake.  We have been hoping that our garden will attract thousands of butterflies this spring and summer, and that we will be able to look outside and enjoy them for months.
So today, honey bunny went outside to water and check the progress of the seeds and bulbs.  He came in so excited talking about, guess what,...........a HUGE yellow butterfly that showed up this morning flying around.  He said that it almost looked like it was going to land on his leg.  Of course he did not have his camera or phone to capture a picture.  I immediately looked outside to try to catch a glimpse of the butterfly he had described, but it was gone.  I know we will see it again soon.
I feel like God gives us little things to help make us feel like our loved ones are around and ok

Just Like His Brother

So our baby Spiderman has been such a joy.  Our journey to him coming into this world was a bit rough I must say.  The pregnancy was tough to put it lightly.  I struggled with extreme nausea, and back pain that would not let up.  We had a couple of scares with him too, that were always so fun.  I managed to work the entire pregnancy and actually went into labor during the middle of my shift.  My stubbornness refused to allow myself to believe I was truly in labor.  When my boss asked me at lunch if I was "really" ok, I told her, "uh YES, why does everyone keep asking me that?"  She said she did not like the way I looked and was breathing.  After loosing my entire lunch in the restroom a few minutes later, I finally admitted, well, I guess I may be in labor, and yes those pains I am feeling are probably contractions.  I refused to let them take me to L&D right down the hall until my hubby arrived, and yep I had my c-section the next day.

My precious boys

The c-section was fun in itself, lasting over an hour.  Three doctors were present, including my beloved "mexican Santa Clause" Dr. C.  Spiderman went to the nursery and was not released to me for over 6 hours.  I got to keep him in our room just a bit.  Long enough for him to decide to stop breathing, and turn dusky.  We had a terrible scare that night, and he went straight to NICU for a week.  He continued to be naughty after he went home, continuing with his breathing issues, buying us another stay in the hospital, this time in my own unit, PICU.  So after 4 days, we went home with Spidey and a machine to alarm when he stopped breathing.  We had medicine for breathing and meds for reflux.  Everyone kept asking me, "oh, is he a GOOD baby?"  I would say, "uh, not so much. But we sure do love him."
So now that we are about to hit a year with our precious Spidey, it is a completely different place we are in now.  He is such a joy, and has been the perfect completion to our little family.  I find myself watching him constantly starring at his big brother.  He wants to be just like Wonderboy, and is completely entertained by his every move.  I absolutely cannot picture our lives without him, and always think about what Judy Lynn would say to him, and how she would interact with him.

I have often wondered if she got a chance to meet him in heaven before we ever knew him.  Sometimes I see him looking up into space, and just smiling and laughing almost.  I wonder if he can see her, and picture her entertaining him.  Our biggest joys now can be difficult because we are reminded of her absence.  So we are here our little family with our baby Spidey growing bigger everyday, just like his brother.

The "Principal's Office"

Wonderboy

So the stigma of going to the principals office does not disappear once you grow up.  As children, the idea of being told we have to go talk to the principal was absolutely terrifying! So when Wonderboy's teacher called and said we had to schedule a meeting to discuss his behavior, a huge lump developed in my throat.  So we set a date for 4 days later, and the worrying was to start immediately.  Wonderboy had been accused of starting a "rumor" about another two students, and their parents were upset and wanted consequences for his actions.  So of course we had to find out what the source of the "rumor" was, and after a short discussion, it was very clear that Wonderboy was the scapegoat for the other kids who originally gave him the information.  He was just repeating what he had heard from them.  Autism can be a funny thing when it comes to social settings.  We knew before the meeting that the consequences for his actions needed to be minimal because of the circumstances.  However, the anticipation of the meeting was terrible.  The meeting went well, and much better than I ever could have expected.  Wonderboy was called into the office later, and the fear was palpable on his face.  Love my little guy, and his heart is so big.  He wants to be good, and he wants to please.  So I found myself counting my blessings even after leaving a stressful situation that my family is the best on the planet.

Long time Overdue

Judy Lynn

So here I sit with my laptop feeling like...."now what?, I thought I had a bunch to say and now I don't even know how to start."

The past year and eight months has been such a roller coaster for all of us.  We have been through a lifetime of tears, laughs, triumphs, sadness, tragedy, and blessings.  In a way it seems like it has been forever since our life was changed, but then it also seems like it was just yesterday.  I feel like we live life with that timeline always in the back of our heads referring to life how it was, and now how it is..... post "event".  I am hoping that as the days and weeks pass, this blog will serve as an outlet, and possible insight to getting though tough times, and finding the joy in the end.  I am sure there will be lots of laughs and lots of tears.  Looking forward to the journey ahead.

Till next time,